ddewees Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 What an awful feeling... I'm sure it never (really) goes away either, you just learn to live with it. Either way, send me all your stuff so it doesn't get taken in the divorce (if it actually happens). You can keep the marbles though... Later we'll ask, "what's worse, losing your wife or your fingers?" (Too early? Too bad... ) Take care of yourself buddy. FYI, I heard wildcherry is "the other man"... 1
BurritoBandito Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 I appreciate the since of humor. I'm not one to take these things personally. WildCherry? Ewww.
Jakenbake Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 BB I really feel for you brother. I am currently going to counseling with my other half. The thought of divorce gives me a terrible pain in my gut. Fortunately for me I am in this situation because of my behavior and my wife is willing to work with me. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
BurritoBandito Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Thank you Jakenbake. I'm sorry you're also having marital issues, but please don't take your wife for granted. The fact that she is willing to try to work things out shows her devotion to your marriage. Do whatever it takes to make things work.
gregh Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Keep your head up Burrito! We are all here for ya. I have been married for 15 years and we have been through some terrible shit. Honestly I don't see how we made it at times. Give her some space and maybe she will come around. I'm pulling for ya brother. I didn't realize Dan was such a good counselor and therapist...
BurritoBandito Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Thank you, Greg. Hopefully, Ashley and I will somehow manage to work something out too. Yes, Ddewees is a certain kind of "special".
ddewees Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 Pay no attention to me... I tend to act like a punk when depressed, and I've been going through a spell myself lately. :/ Take care,
mikeee Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 (edited) Burrito, Did this problem start before or after your accident? The reason I ask, is when my mother came down with cancer I watched my father slowly withdraw from the relationship as a defense mechanism to reduce the pain he would endure the day she would die. Your wife may be distancing herself from the relationship because you are still involved with the Pyrotechnics. I have seen this happen with several other marriages when one was involved with Pyro and the spouse was not. The first time an accident happens the shit hits the fan and they want you to make a choice. When you have children in a relationship sometimes you have to put the pyro off to the side until the children are grown and on their own. Edited May 21, 2015 by mikeee
ddewees Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 I've also seen "pyro mania" consume people, and that can really put a strain on a relationship. Whether it's spending too much, working on projects "all the time", or even staring at "pyro websites" all day.
Shunt Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 I was married for almost 25 years to my high school sweetheart and found out Christmas Eve 12 years ago she was seeing another man. I tried every way possible to get her to break off the relationship with him but she would not. We were officially divorced April 15 the following year. I am no counselor nor a Lawyer, but would like to share with you some of what I learned. The words below may seem harsh, but they are said in respect of your situation, and said in love, in the order I found most important in my own personal situation. 1) Do Not Ever express intent to do harm to another person on the internet or even by word of mouth to your closest friends. If push comes to shove her Lawyer if compensated enough, (sometimes the other man will fund this process) will find it and use it against you in a court of law. My EX after being gone for over a month shacked-up with the other man decided to come home, I would not let her in the house, she took out a restraining order against me saying I had threatened her just based on her word alone, was enough to get me escorted off of my property in the dead of winter by local law enforcement. If I returned to the property, or even came within X feet of her in a public place, I automatically went to jail for 3 days! 2) As Caleb said, this is war. Find a good Lawyer, sometimes the first visit is free, and find out about the specific divorce laws in your state and area. They do vary. It was of no use to me to prove infidelity, even though I could. She could have screwed an entire NFL team on the courthouse steps, and it would still have been split 50/50. 3) Your mind is broken and you cannot think straight. You need help. You will first talk to family and friends, and be overwhelmed by the various options given as to what to do. I found the help I needed at a local church that offered a class in the evening called 'divorce care'. I was not a church goer, but the first few sessions helped to explain the psychological issues I was dealing with like betrayal, anger, revenge, depression, and more. I am not trying to 'push' a religious solution, but it helped to talk face to face with others going through the same thing. I learned a lot like not jumping into another relationship too fast, learning to heal my mind and other things. The hurt and pain was just too hard for me to go it alone, I needed help. A good friend long ago who helped me said "I was a top HVAC technician, but going through divorce all I could do was push a broom and could not keep up with it half the time". I got what I needed from those classes, and even lead them for a while just so I could see people smile again and have hope.I no longer go there, but tried to give back what I learned. 4) Keep a diary. Write down all her comings and goings, what you feel and think. Someday you might look back on the words, reflect on them, and remember how you got through this hardship in your life, and it will inspire you to get through the next one! I have said enough, hope it helps, I think I have copies of the divorce care DVD's somewhere, if you would like to watch them I will see what I can do. PM me if you would like to talk. 1
gregh Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 I've also seen "pyro mania" consume people, and that can really put a strain on a relationship. Whether it's spending too much, working on projects "all the time", or even staring at "pyro websites" all day.You just described me, you are talented!!! You forgot "making the family paste shells."
taiwanluthiers Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 I'm no expert on woman, hell I don't even know how to get one (and with my "weird" hobby, I doubt I ever will)... so I really have no idea what to say. I'm often complaining from the other side of the fence, how it's so lonely to not have any significant others but I also know being married to the wrong person is worse than not being married at all. I would also with all my heart try to win someone back but it can't be forced on... I also know that God is very real. I've personally seen God do impossible things in my life, so don't lose faith. I also think that she could be doing this to protect you because in her mind, she thinks it could happen again and that you might not be so lucky. So perhaps she thinks she's either protecting herself from you, or her children from you, and also not wanting to see you get hurt like that.
rogeryermaw Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 BB, we each know a lot about the screwed up life of the other and i would stress a few things based on the undeniable parallels concerning our situations. you are a lot like me in that you were all in. with our analytical mindset, we know the logical truths regarding what we are facing/are about to face, but that is, of course, very little comfort to the nerves, which, especially on your case, are very raw and exposed right now. shunt gave one piece of good advice i'd like to pluck out here: journal. i know you say you have no intention of going up against her for the kids but...C...Y...A!!! catalog every move she makes regarding the kids. every time she calls you to keep them outside of your arranged agreements, every time she drops the ball with some facet of care, etc. then hope never to need it. when my wife split, it was lifestyle changes. guess i'm an old curmudgeon but i was happy sailing the course we had plotted and not really looking to shake things up. she wanted to make big changes, start hanging out with all sorts of new people and staying out late etc. sometimes people grow apart and there is no rhyme or reason to it. i know this is just words bro, but drop the lament. you saw this coming, took all the precautions and measures and she still dropped the hammer on you. there was nothing you could do. i know your pain as keenly as you do my friend and all i can say is that is will do you no benefit in the end. can you turn it off? no. neither could i even though i knew all the same crap. but it will end and you will adjust. i got better and i know you will too. in the mean time, you can call me anytime.
taiwanluthiers Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 As others have said, NEVER EVER talk about hurting anyone, or even suggesting it. They can be used against you. I would even suggest removing those comments (if it does any good). Restraining orders are not good, and it goes more than just being kept from your house or wherever your significant others may be. If you own any firearms the gov. will take it from you once you get a restraining order.
BurritoBandito Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 Mikeee, we had typical ups and downs prior to my accident, but there has definitely been more tension since it happened. Shunt, thank you, but I'll be alright. I went to a show last night, got pretty drunk, and hung out with a few friends. I didn't make it home until almost 6 this morning. After getting out of the house and doing something I actually feel much better today. You and Taiwan are right though. It would be wise of me to edit my previous post. Taiwan, you just need to be more persistent. Talk to girls, and don't worry about rejection. Everyone here has some variation of that same "weird" hobby. Roger, yeah, you and I have had several long chats regarding the similarities in our lives. I recall one in particular in which you described the whole ordeal that happened between you and your ex. She did you dirty man. Perhaps I am being naive, but I honestly think that although Ashley may have little concern for me, she loves our daughters too much to try and keep them from me. My daughters and I are very close, and they would be asking for me. Now, as far as the courts are concerned, I imagine I'd most likey wind up in the 2/14 boat with you. The issue with that is that the only times my daughters and I have ever spent more than a day apart were when my sister had her accident and I stayed at her house for a few days to help take care of her kids, and when I was in the hospital. I really think anything less than seeing them daily is unacceptable. I know you feel the same way about your kids, and that we don't get to choose. That's difficult to arrange though, because the only way for both me, and Ashley to have full custody would be for us to live together. Yesterday my wife and I had a long talk, and we are going to try to work things out. Hopefully we can. I'll give you a call here in a bit. Gotta tell you about the concert, after party, and after after party. It was a hell of a night man.
Mumbles Posted May 22, 2015 Posted May 22, 2015 Editing ability only last for so long. If you ever need anything, don't be afraid to talk to someone with a red name. I'm still young. Stay strong. Even when things are going poorly for me, which is unfortunately increasingly regular. I just like to think that karma even things out in the long run. This goes both ways. It does help me to stay positive about the future though. Being a scientist by training, I have to obey Newton's Laws. It is somewhat comforting to me to think that Newton's Third Law applies to everything. I can't ignore gravity or other laws of physics. Neither can shitty people.
Shunt Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 Shunt, thank you, but I'll be alright. I went to a show last night, got pretty drunk, and hung out with a few friends. I didn't make it home until almost 6 this morning. After getting out of the house and doing something I actually feel much better today. OK.... This is just what a woman does not want in her mind as a provider for herself and the children. She is afraid you will do it time and time again. Maybe this is why she was took interest in another man.
ddewees Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 (edited) Shunt, thank you, but I'll be alright. I went to a show last night, got pretty drunk, and hung out with a few friends. I didn't make it home until almost 6 this morning. After getting out of the house and doing something I actually feel much better today. OK.... This is just what a woman does not want in her mind as a provider for herself and the children. She is afraid you will do it time and time again. Maybe this is why she was took interest in another man.I've actually seen the opposite happen too. My wife's brother was married for ten years with three kids, then all of a sudden, his wife wanted to "go out and party" like they used to. He didn't want to, and they evenly got divorced. Fast forward ten more years, and she's been married (and divorced) two additional times and has two additional kids (total of three fathers now). Her mother has been married 7 times, so that likely had an effect on her. Weird... Edited May 23, 2015 by ddewees
BurritoBandito Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 This is the first time I went out and got trashed like that since we've been together. Prior to all the crap which is going on right now I'd have never came home that late. This was my escape, not my typical behavior.
taiwanluthiers Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 You know one problem I'm running into here in the states is, I just have not been able to find any woman that I'm even interested in. Some of them might look nice and all but a lot of them are actually very boring. I've found more guys that I'm interested in than girls.
ddewees Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 Bb, you still alive? "Yesterday my wife and I had a long talk, and we are going to try to work things out. Hopefully we can." Bb, if you do attempt to "work things out", just remember you have an enormous hurdle to get over (assuming your assumptions were correct). You're likely panicking about saving the marriage, but once that wears off... You'll be left with the awful feeling about what she did. I don't know what the answer is, each person is different, but good luck. Sorry you have to go through this.
taiwanluthiers Posted May 25, 2015 Posted May 25, 2015 problem is when there's infidelity involved, it means she's no longer interested in saving the marriage and is looking for a way out. Even biblically (if you follow that) you can divorce on marital infidelity.
BurritoBandito Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 Yeah, I'm still alive. The thread just got a little scary lol. Believe me Ddewees, I've considered that. I don't want to say too much in a public forum, but I am taking steps to ease that feeling. Right now we are getting along, but still separated. I don't know if our marriage will be salvageable, but as a husband, and a father I'd be remiss not to try. I am well aware of the fact that distrust will be a very serious issue. As of the moment she denies any infidelity, and since my trust for her has been so severely damaged, I would be a fool to just blindly accept what I am told. Again, I don't want to say too much, and would appreciate no one making guesses, but I am doing what I can to find the truth for myself.
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